The Naming

Okay, something has to be done about product names in this country. It's getting out of hand. Maybe toward the end here we'll tie this into Web pages, somehow, but even if not, this is important.

When I was a kid, names meant something. You could focus your attention on a Mustang or a Nova and everyone knew what you meant. But we have so many names today that don't mean anything, or mean the wrong things, or mean something different than what's actually going on. It's stupid, it's wasteful and it has to be hurting our general productivity in some way.

Consider the iMac. The iMac is a model of Macintosh. And the Macintosh is a line of computers from Apple. But here's the thing, it's been more than twenty years since Apple offered a computer other than the Macintosh. In the 1980s, if you told someone you were buying "an Apple computer" they didn't know if you were getting an Apple II, a Lisa or a Macintosh. Apple was GM. Apple II and Lisa were Oldsmobile and Pontiac. Macintosh was Chevrolet. Within the Macintosh line there were several models. Macintosh II, Mac SE/30, Macintosh LC/II, etc., roughly corresponding to Camaro, Impala and Malibu, let's say. But today, every computer Apple builds is a Macintosh. So is it helpful, or necessary, to have to indicate Apple Macintosh iMac? Apple themselves noticed less and less of their income comes from Macintosh, in an era of telephones and iTunes and so on. They thought it over and dropped "Computer" from their name. Apple Computer is now just "Apple". It's a start.

A lot of model designations don't mean anything, any more. Again, there was a day when your grandpa could say he was going to buy a new Chevy and everyone knew what kind of car he would have in his driveway. When more and more models were developed, Chevelles and Corvairs and so on, you had to add those names to the first to convey the complete idea.

So it wasn't just a Cadillac, any more. It was a Cadillac El Dorado. But then these designations were fractured, as various trim levels were developed. This wasn't so bad at first. A full-sized Chevrolet could be a Biscayne, an Impala or a Caprice. So now we're up to three names to adequately describe the product. Pontiac Firebird TransAm. And then it all went to Hell.

This morning, on the way to work, I followed a Pontiac. On one side of the trunk lid it said "G6". On the other side, it said "GT". Well, which is it? What does "LE" mean to, say, anyone? And how does it differ from "GLE" or "SE" or "SEL"? And why should anyone care if your car has a V6 or a V8 engine, a 5-speed or an automatic transmission? Sport-tuned suspension? Is there a badge that indicates you bought too much of a radio, too? These started out innocently enough. European brands added "i" to model names to indicate fuel injection, but who is doing the bragging, here, BMW or the new car owner? In the Mercedes-Benz family, "SL" meant Sports Light. But American brands applied these letters to cars that weighed 5000 pounds.

Then marketers noticed something about those numbers and letters. People didn't bond with them the way they did real names.

And, as if it was a Good Thing, the alphabet started to appear all over. The focus wasn't on the minutia any more, it was back on the brand, where the marketers wanted it. You weren't supposed to love a DeVille, you were supposed to love a Cadillac. So today, Cadillac sells CTS and DTS and STS vehicles. Conjure up any images for you? Me, neither.

It's at work at Acura, too. Fancy a new TSX or ZDX or MDX or RDX in your driveway? Uh, no. I miss the old Acura Legend, Integra and Vigor. I knew what those were. This year, the Lincoln catalog is just as confusing. MKZ, MKS, MKX, MKT? I got nothin'.

Adam allegedly spent a while naming all of the animals. Despite similarities and differences, Africa and India both got "Elephant" while one has big ears and the other doesn't. We don't have a Elephant GL and an Elephant GLE.

I guess we can be glad of that.